The toughest decision I've ever made...

For those of you who know me well, you know my medical past and what's currently going on. For those of you who don't you are going to get a quick run down because tonight I feel like telling some of my story. When I was 15, I got diagnosed with endometriosis which is a disease of the endometrium lining in your uterus. About 3 years ago I got worse as far as pain and bad side effects from medication I had been on for years. It was tough for not only me but for my family and friends that had to sit by and watch me suffer. Finally, after about 4 surgeries, countless ER visits, thousands of dollars in doctors & ER bills, 6 doctors and some of the worst days of my life I found out that I had no choice but to have a hysterectomy at the age of 23. I had a little bit of a choice, but with how bad off I was I had to choose to have the surgery. I was 23, scared to death and I knew that this decision could change the rest of my life. And it did, for both the good and the bad. Having a hysterectomy meant I couldn't have kids of my own but it also meant that I would be pain free and have a better quality of life. It meant that I wouldn't have to be in the ER 3-4 times a month getting pumped full of pain meds but it also meant I'd be subjected to hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life. It meant no more having to skip class or work because I was in too much pain to move but it also meant being at a 30% greater chance of developing breast cancer later in life. It was a decision that only I could make, no one could make it for me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what could have been but I made the decision that I thought would work best for me. In September, after I moved to UNO I got sick again and the doctor told me that my L ovary was tied to the side of my abdomen with barely any blood supply so it had to be taken out. That was tough, 1,500 miles from my family in a new state and having to rely on the support of my classmates, who stepped up to the job and helped me more than I could have ever expected them to. When I came home for the summer, I met with my doctor that did my hysterectomy and told her what was going on, she ran test after test and I had another hard decision to make-do I leave my R ovary and be in pain for the next 20 years or do I have the R ovary taken out and finally get rid of all the endometriosis in my abdomen? So on August 1st, I will be having my R ovary taken out just in time to head back to Omaha for my final year in graduate school. I think I wanted to tell "my story" for a few reasons; one being so people can know how I have become the person I am today, another being so I could finally put it all in writing and the final being so people knew that this wasn't easy. Most people who know me well, know that I play off my disease and troubles pretty easily. I make it seem like it's nothing, but it's not nothing and having a hysterectomy at 23 was the TOUGHEST thing I have ever been through. There are plenty of days that I find myself crying for no reason. It happens when I hold my brand new baby niece, it happens when I find out my friends are pregnant, it happens randomly. I want people to know that my decision wasn't made lightly. I sat up many nights with my mom crying and arguing over what the right thing to do was. I went to counseling and talked it over with people I knew I could trust. I don't think that people will ever fully understand what I went through. No one can feel the pain I went through, no one can feel the emotions I have and no one can ever say they understand what this has been like. My family has been my strongest support over the past 10 years but not even they fully grasp how hard this all has been for me. I can't have kids, at least not in the natural way most people do. So if you have kids, count  your blessings and realize there are people, like me who can't have kids and it might be killing them to face that fact. I have been blessed with a good support system over the years. My parents have been my rock and soul and have seen me through the worst times in my life. My mom has sat in ERs for hours on end just to see me cry and scream in pain, all the while feeling helpless. My dad has watched his baby girl hurt and grieve and still put on a brave face. My siblings (all four of them) have seen me fight for the life I still have. My aunt & uncle have given me strength and love each and every day through prayer. And my closest friends have been my northern star and guided me through this storm. Those close friends know who they are because they helped me grieve, they've seen me cry and they've talked about my decision until I can't talk anymore. Thank you to those who have been there, who have been sensitive to my situation and not made it seem easy. Thank you to my family for being my everything when I needed them the most....